Someone asked me on Curious Cat “What does ownership mean to you?”
I replied, of course, that this wasn’t something I could sum up in a couple of lines.
I have been working on drafts regarding ownership for a while. Previously, my own views – and then later – that of course I am now under consideration from Miss Suzanna.
So. Enjoy the ride…
OWNERSHIP V COLLARING
A lot of people call things different things, just to make things less straight forward.
In vanilla relationships you might meet somebody, date, then get engaged, then get married.
I see ownership as being at the engaged staged and married at the collared stage.
Some people would see ownership at the dating stage – and that’s fine.
Collaring is very symbolic. It formalises the ownership and brands the sub as “you are mine”.
Of course, some people again wear their collars for different reasons.
THE HOLY GRAIL
A lot of guys come into D/s looking for ‘Ownership’ as some form of Holy Grail.
There’s a whole bunch of unowned slaves whose approach to ownership I feel causes them to miss out.
As I’ve always said; there’s not one right way to do things – but certainly, many many wrong ones.
Let’s forget about the world of kink for a moment. Imagine being single – whilst it could be honest to say “I want a wife/husband” it can be off-putting.
And it’s not your honesty that needs to change, it’s your attitude.
Imagine this – sat in a bar and an attractive person starts talking to you. There’s a bit of a chemistry or spark – what’s your immediate thoughts?
Presumably that if you play your cards right you’ll go home and have sex.
Possibly if, say, you’re a foot guy – you’re thinking of having foot play in the bar – whatever.
You’re unlikely to be thinking about marriage. I’d hope.
If you are thinking of this; “OK, only if you go on to marry me”, it’s not going to end well.
It may be that what happens is you go home, have sex, start a relationship and then eventually get married. But, the likelihood is not – but perhaps you’ll have a relationship or, at the worst, a good night.
This is something you miss out on if you overshoot.
The same is true in D/s. You may form a relationship and go on to ownership with someone you connect with – but you miss out on so much just sitting around waiting for ownership.
The likelihood is – most people would want to see some form of long-term dedication before considering it.
This would take time.
But this is also a two-way street. As well as you being the right sub, you also need the right Dominant. I’m sceptical of those a little *too* keen to own others – there is often an ulterior motive. It doesn’t even have to be financial. It can be about status or authority or more.
You are better than “just anyone”. But also setting your standards higher in itself makes you a little more desirable because you show not anyone “will do”.
Of course; if you do end up in some form of relationship – it may be advisable to broach that you would like to be considered for ownership if that’s what you truly desire.
Like my vanilla examples.
Some people exist in long-term relationships perfectly happy to not get married. There’s a status and a symbolism but it’s not for everyone.
This is before we get even into some of the many shades of poly.
So, again – you could have a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t “do” ownership which can be a fruitful and better venture, for you, than a short-term relationship WITH ownership.
I don’t know the ins and outs – but – I have come across people who will do an “ownership for a monthly fee”.
I won’t say this isn’t ownership – because it’s what works for you – and if you’re perfectly happy to send someone a monthly payment in exchange for saying you’re owned – fair play to you.
But I do, however, feel there’s a lot missing from these relationships.
THE JOURNEY TO THE COLLAR
A lot of people do things differently.
I will of course talk more about Miss Suzanna later in this blog post – but – I see Her approach as more traditional.
We had known each other 6 months before the idea was discussed and 18 months before W/we agreed to proceed.
I don’t feel timetables are important. There are people who date for weeks before proposing and those who date for years.
Likewise – W/we don’t have a timetable of how long it will take to be collared – but, I don’t think there necessarily should be one.
I haven’t done a survey of every Mistress – but – again I have had similar vibes from others that they would be unlikely to consider somebody they had known less than a year – and then there’d be a serious journey beyond that.
What the journey should involve is individual to those involved.
There may be training, tasks, being asked to prove devotion.
There could be asks to do things outside of your comfort zone.
The end result, of course, when collared – should be one of contentment. Satisfaction. That you earned this. That you worked and proved yourself to your Dominant and deserve the honour of being “theirs”.
You can see why this is a different experience than paying £20 to someone to be marked as ‘owned’, right?
Despite my last comment; as I stressed, it is about what works for you.
Different people want different things.
However, I do have expectations.
If I’m at an event and I see an owned slave; I see them as a reflection of their owner and their standards.
I want to give an example of one of my favourite guys, that is slave sit who is owned by Goddess Ezada. He is an exemplary example of standards and training.
But, I’ve been to events and I’ve seen guys misbehave, forget their manners, or just be sloppy – and – I think – “your Mistress allows you to behave like this?”; or “is your dedication poor that you act up when you think she can’t see?”; or “Are you actually hoping to be punished here?”
So, I feel – there may be move for slippage; but that Dominants and submissives, in my view, should be quite selective for who will be a good extension of themselves.
As a sub you want to be able to be proud of who you serve – and as a Dominant you would hopefully want someone that serves you well which includes how others see you.
Being seen as helpful to others is a much better trait than being a nuisance when you’re not supervised.
Yeah, but let’s go into vanilla world.
If you turn up to a pub with a partner who gets drunk and makes an arse of themselves you feel shown up.
If your partner is then a bit of an arse and generally ill-mannered it looks bad on you.
Or, if your partner goes out without you and has been leering on ladies or getting into a fight; it’ll look bad on you.
D/s isn’t that far removed.
WHY OWNERSHIP FOR ME?
It wasn’t something I was looking for, but was something I was open to.
As I stated above it actually took a full year from the initial offer to U/us both agreeing.
It’s true that I enjoy(ed) being a slut – but it has it’s own limitations.
There’s lots of people I’ve met once or twice; some of which I really got on with and would love to meet again. But, it becomes difficult to build relationships. When you just keep seeing different people for a first or second time it becomes difficult to really explore what makes people tick.
And that’s a two-way thing.
In my last private session with Miss Suzanna, W/we did needles, sounding and She tried me with a slightly larger strap-on.
Three things I just couldn’t do with someone I just met.
I’m also comfortable and confident with any form of impact play She does with me. She is good at reading people in general, but because W/we have done it so often She is in tune with me and knows where She can and can’t push.
So the concept of building something around one person ultimately gives me more than continuing to bounce around.
WHY MISS SUZANNA?
I feel it deathly important to not try to sound like I’m putting anyone else down; I have met some truly wonderful and fantastic people whom I have great relationships with and long may that continue.
There was something about Her in the first scene W/we did together, I think I knew. Scratching a ‘S’ into my back to claim me as a possession.
There was something about that day. I started to get ideas in my head about if I could give Her “more” – and, well, I dismissed some of these because of subspace – but – there was just a very quick connection.
I talk a little about tradition – but – She isn’t traditional. And I like that. There were things that day which made me smile inside “I like You, You break the rules”.
She doesn’t break the rules, She’s the Dominant, She *sets* the rules – but She sets them how She wants them and not to text book.
So She encouraged eye contact instead of having me almost permanently bowed – there was something else W/we were going to do which I’d felt was outside of normal D/s. But, it works.
She’s also been extremely kind and supportive of me even outside of ownership.
I didn’t do this as a signal – but I could guarantee that if I posted anything like “I’m feeling down” on Twitter that it’d summon Her like the bat signal.
Which also told me that She is invested in me – I always assume everything I write She can see as it’d be a wild coincidence if She was always attentive when I needed, without Her sometimes checking up on me online.
She knows what is important to me. So, for example, She called me to wish me a happy 1-year-since-W/we-met because She knew how much it would mean to me.
She’s sent me WhatsApp messages when She has been too busy to reply emails as She knows I’ll be hoping for a response.
So, knowing She also has what is important for me at heart, motivates me towards Her.
And I think that also shows. Her investment in me and willing me to succeed and encouraging my efforts is what I desire.
And this also I feel helps make O/our time together better.
SO WHY DID IT TAKE A YEAR TO SAY YES?
Sometimes decisions take time, haha. But also, at least at first I was unsure if W/we were progressing.
I’m a bit of a sucker for dates – so of course as it emerged to a year since W/we had first discussed the idea – it put things back in my mind.
But also, I had my own fears. That, I’d rather continue to have the nice relationship W/we had – then to “go for” ownership and it ruin what W/we already had – if say, it turned out to be wrong for U/us; or if there was a barrier I couldn’t get over. A bridge so far. That, I saw failing as losing everything.
Now. After discussions and time. I feel more confident. This doesn’t mean it’s a cut and dried done deal. This doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges.
“If I fail I will lose what W/we had” is not really an issue as I’m focused towards succeeding not failing.
HOW DOES THIS WORK WITH YOUR WIFE?
Relationship anarchy 😉
No – my wife is fully supportive. I think this is a position which has moved towards over time.
Of course, there are bespoke arrangements for bespoke scenarios. A rule that has to go with me is that W/we cannot do anything which would impact my relationship with my wife.
This at times might throw up contradictions – but these can be ironed through.
But also it means that in a lot of ways a lot of what I do would have to be approved by them both.
Interestingly; I was at an event the other day with a compere who was in a leather-family, which is more common on the Gay Scene – and he had a Sir and a partner and a pub and a sub and it then got into a web where for example the sub had their own sub and so on.
So, our set up isn’t so complicated…
WHAT ABOUT YOUR FILMING AND OTHER STUFF?
I had this conversation the other day that; sometimes it’s easier to choose when you don’t feel you have to make choices.
I love filming. This is something I will never deny nor play down. I love I get to meet new people and the experiences this brings. I love I get to work with amazing people I admire.
Miss Suzanna knows this – and She is happy for me to film and wants me to do well. She understands it enriches me and all round helps me be better.
Over the summer I found filming opportunities dried up painfully. Like. No invites came through and things I spotted, well, perhaps the location or the notice or the cost (or all 3) didn’t work out.
One opportunity was going to be £150 on the train for 2 hours filming and would have (probably) involved a filming tribute – and there was a lot of travel time – so… there might have been a time I would have done it; but at those sort of overheads – and 2 hours is only going to be 3 or 4 scenes, depending or how organised everything is, I’d of course much rather spend my time with Miss Suzanna.
Perhaps if train was £60-£80 and there was no film tribute and it was a few hours so time to chat as well as doing half a dozen (or so) scenes then that would be different in my mind.
My point is; while I still want to film and She is happy for me to film – an extra factor I will consider is any impact on my ability to spend time with Miss Suzanna.
Another hopefully obvious rule (which I self imposed a while ago anyway) is that it shouldn’t impact anything W/we have arranged.
So – if for example I need to arrive for filming without marks; and it’s a few days after seeing Miss Suzanna, then I can’t garauntee I will not be marked.
Likewise – if it’s a few days before seeing Miss Suzanna then I need to leave in a physical and mental condition ready to see Her.
And, of course, if I had just a shred of doubt I would ask Her. For both permission as well as guidance.
It also obviously goes without saying that I am effectively doing this as a representation and as a privilege and so of course not to do anything which would shine badly on Her or jeopardise O/our relationship.
Whilst this may seem relaxed; I know I’m not the only filming sub on the rounds who has some form of arrangement.
This is Her putting a lot of trust into me, which I feel strengthens O/our relationship.
I don’t know how things will play out – or what scenario I would personally be most happy with. Changes to the industry could also increase or descrease the demand for filming and/or increase or decrease the demand for certain attributes in filming subs.
Hey. Who knows? I’m sure W/we will find out.