Having scrapped my planned blog for this week (honestly, it needed nuking – my good points in there will be mopped up on a future blog.) I had an inspiration for some writing earlier – and this is probably going to be one of the more personal blogs I’ve written in a while.
It’s not quite as personal as I first thought but, certainly, a slice of my thoughts right now.
To work properly, this is going to be one take – so apologies if there’s a few more errors than normal.
I don’t confess this often, but it should be no secret.
I really love the kink/fetish/BDSM scene.

But some of the reasons why, might not jump straight out.  So, there’s factors you need to know from my personal life.
So. I’ve changed jobs now, but the job I was in when I joined the kink scene, well.  I resented it.
I felt I didn’t get out what I was putting in, is a short explanation.  Nobody ever said the words “I promise” but there were often carrots on sticks that weren’t really reachable : and when an assumed vacancy failed to materialise, one by one my peers who were looking to move up left.
And, my new job isn’t perfect – but a lot of things are better. Some things are actually worse, but overall I’m happier with the what I put in/what I get out ratio.
Ask me again after my appraisal if I’m still happy, haha.
Also. As I’ve aluded to in other blogs, I’ve done a lot within the music industry.
And, a lot I’m happy with, sure… and there’s been some cool experiences.  But again, likewise, I hit a ceiling with the bands I was being offered and whilst helping a lot of riskier and less profitable acts – a lot of the money makers were handed to bigger companies or rivals.
And whilst I’ve enjoyed a lot of the nights I’ve ran (and continue to run) I kinda like doing a Friday night. I don’t need the glamour of a Saturday, but it’d be nice sometime – you know… there’s people who I meet “Oh, I used to go to Legends every Friday (in the period it was a night I was involved in)” and yet don’t remember me.
And in ways, it’s cute. It’s funny.  But in ways, it’s like… everyone sometimes thinks they don’t need recognition until they don’t get it.
Now, don’t get me wrong as well. I’ve DJ’d some big events.  I’ve DJ’d in Europe.  But, all of this has been a while ago.
There’s assorted events I see pop up and it’s somewhere between the do I wait for an invite I’m not getting, or do I have to pester the promoter?  And it’s a bit… I see other names go up and it’s like… you know… I’m as good (or better…) than many other DJs on these bills and it’s like… come on.
Now.  There’s lots of facets I see in the above in the sense that.
On one hand, I’m not looking at what I’ve got (which on the face of it, includes a lot of cool stuff) but more so an expectation I should continue to get it.  That every now and then someone should be like “Here’s a band will turn you a profit” or “Hey, want to DJ this event” (or, “Hey, here’s the promotion we promised you 4 years ago”)
And this is something, of course, depending on how you choose to look at this.
On one hand – I don’t feel I get out what I put in.
On another hand – it could be that perhaps too much of my focus is what I have not, rather than what I have.
I mean, actually – music speaking, I’ve got my rock night up and running again – I DJ at Liber8 which I love.  I’m a bit more savage on which bands I take.  And right now I’m in a job which at least has a performance based pay review.
And for those of you who’ve made it this far.
You might be thinking.
What the fuck has this got to do with kink/fetish/BDSM?
The good and the bad are like yin and yang.
None of where I am now was what I set out to do.
Sessioning. Filming. Blogging.
Producing?!
Running a munch.
I mean… the aim was to just, well, we wanted to learn more about the lifestyle. More about how to play safely…and also were fascinated by other people and what they did.
And things kinda… snowballed.
My first private session was meant to be a one-off. Filming was meant to maybe be a one-off.
And now we have this situation where stuff I never sought, I have.
And, well.
Whether this is right or wrong. It doesn’t matter. It’s perception.
Like some of the music things above I felt I should get more out for what I felt I’d put in.
With Fetish/BDSM/etc. it sometimes feels the opposite : that the scene gives me more than I put in.
If you catch me off-guard I sometimes seem a little down on myself.  “I’m not being funny,” I told a Dominant I’d previously filmed with when talking to Her in club, “But I’m nothing special”
“I mean, I’m mid-30s. Balding. A few pounds over. Not exactly affluent and not exactly blessed in the looks department”
And, actually – we got interupted before I could finish my point – so She probably thinks I was doing some self-humiliation thing or something. But, I wasn’t.
My point was… the standards for guys is actually fairly low, but so many can’t meet that.
That upsets me a bit.
And for the guys who are reading this.  Some of you possibly may feel the same way.  Some of you might not, “I work hard for my Mistress” – yeah, that’s fine, I’m not saying that you don’t.
What I’m saying is.  More guys could have what you or I have.  I’m sure we all agree it’s not as easy as some think, but that still – the entry for being given a chance is not far fetched (mind, to prove ourselves we do have to be amongst the best 😉 )
And if you’re one of the guys reading this who isn’t quite getting what they want… I understand things aren’t always black and white – assorted other work and life commitments can get in the way.  Health. I’m fit enough that I can get an early morning train and maybe be a bit tired but still be able to dust myself down and jump into sessions or filming.
I also appreciate them some struggle with a mental block around things like tributes.  (“It’s not real if you pay for it” – well, it is… and someone has to pay the dungeon hire… or “Only losers pay” – well, you’re not getting what you seek so who is the loser now?)
But regardless. Things are never going to happen with arms outstretched hoping for the best.
Because of this. I often feel threatened.
I am very grateful for all I get, for sure. But, I feel things can very easily fall away from me.
It’s quite bittersweet.
I feel joy in what I get out of BDSM/Kink and yet the fear it could all go away.

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Ironically.
One of my concerns was, was some of my enjoyment in the scene linked to some of my disatisfaction elsewhere?
That, ergo, should I get a job I was happier in, or a state with music I was at least content, that perhaps the “need” for the escapism(?) that BDSM offered becomes less so?
This was something I worried about at times.
Of course, like many things I worry about – it appears to be unfounded.

 

This is now a part where I lied.  I said this was going to be a one take straight through post – and this is where it’s not.
Everything above the line I wrote last night.
But, I had to go to bed.
I then woke up, added a bit and decided I didn’t really like the direction it was heading.
Perhaps one day I will blog where it went – which is into some of the darker problems and challenges in my mind.  But those paragraphs I’ve scrapped. In some ways I bottled. In some ways, it did ramble too far off the base.   Some deserve more attention than a ramble.
So, from hereonin is stuff I’ve written after sleeping on things.
So. Where were we?
I came into this expecting nothing, getting a lot – and now being somewhere between worried about losing what I have and also spending somewhat too much time looking at what I don’t have.
I have a couple of times put up posts about feeling a little lonely.
This is something I slip into a bit of a cycle on, because I then feel guilty for feeling like this.
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You come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

Whatever happens, I have a wonderful wife and great friends.

And, ha, even if I lost everything I’d be no worse off than I was 2 years ago.

 

But, we don’t think like that. Do we?
The constant persuit of progress.
I am stoked enough to have met some amazing people, whilst also – although things seem far away, there’s some cool stuff in my diary and cool stuff likely to be added to my diary.
My lack of things I can rightfully complain about does make things a little worse when I do feel lonely.
“I’m lonely”
“But you’ve a great wife, great friends, you did all this cool as shit stuff and you’re getting to do cool as shit stuff”
“Amazing. Now I feel guilty for feeling like this”
So there are these traps it becomes difficult to avoid when you slide into them.
Some of the above though.
It might not sound like submission because there’s a lot I point to about how I feel.   Remember one of the things in submission is it’s not about thinking less of yourself, but of yourself less.
Putting others needs/wants ahead of your own.
But, there still has to be a reason you want to do this.
So. Why do you want to make your Mistresses life better? Why do you want to serve Her?
There’s still some form of satisfaction in there else, well, else you’d probably be with another Mistress!
If serving Mistress X makes you feel fulfilled, or gives a sense of belonging, or some form of satisfaction – but serving Mistress Y does not.
It makes no sense to serve Mistress Y but good sense to serve Mistress X.
OK.  This I’m sure you are following.
So. Let us say you are serving Mistress X.
Right now…. there’s nothing She needs that you can offer.
Then there’s the same problem.
You can lack the belonging, satisfaction, fulfilment.  Maybe in a couple of months time there IS something you can offer.   But… that doesn’t help now.
bdsm is like a rollercoasterI think… it’s just a case of remember that something always must give. You can’t have everything. It will be a rollercoaster with good times and bad.
Being unable to assist now, doesn’t mean you can’t make up for it in the future.
Right now, some of the good times seem far away.  But, by Hell.  I will make the most of them.
And you know…. regardless.  It’s not a rollercoaster I want to get off – because – overall…. I know the highs are worth it.